How it is wonderful to write for myself. I know that no one will read those lines ( I believe so), that is why I can write every rubbish I know, I can say, and I can write. Right now I am seating on my assignment that I have for myself. Yes, my own assignment. I gave a word to myself to write at least one essay per day, and now I regret about this promise, because it seems to me that I am unskillful stupid girl. Anyway, I have to do that, and I know that I like to write, but I hate to do that by assignment. oh, how to break myself, stricke my head with thoughts and make myself go ahead in writing.
I am crazy about law school. I study so hard becuase of it, and I am so scared to fail. I am so scared that my dreams and time I spent for all those preparations will be lost, because I will fail. I am crazy, I know. I know I have to, I must to believe myself that I can do it, that I can go through. I want to be smart girl, I want to show everyone that I also have some brain. I think, I am so childish, I am so far away from maturety. It is hoorible to know that. It is not because of my behaviour. It is because I try to understand many things, but I am not able to do. That is why I think that there are so many smart people on this planet, but I regret that I am not among them. What do you thing, my reader? Am I smart enough for my age? Maybe I need to study more and more? But it looks like everything I read doesn't stay in my head. I try, I try hard, but everything somewhere, not with me. I don't want this pressure, but I do it by myself, I create it. I suffer it. It is not big deal if I won't receive what I want, but I want what I want. I cannot go aside. All the time everything flew in very good stream. But I am so scared of future. I don't do anything, and I don't know what I should do. I bet on one thing, and I hope, believe in it. But what will happen if it fails? I don't know. That is why I think about stopping and not going further. Maybe just to step on solid ground, where I feel that I will stay on it. Another question is if it is possible to find such ground, ground that will be good enough in all my plans.
You will ask me what plans I have. I want to be independent. I want to be rich. I want to afford a car, a house and good travels. I want to be famous. I want to be good in my job. I want to love my job. I want to have big money. I want to spend those money thinking that it was gained by my own. That's what I want. Is it too pragmatic? Am I too crazy about money? Nope. Not for me.
Now I am total contrary to my dream. I don't want this. My dream I called "solid ground". A life of my dream is that foundation that will make me happier than I am right now. I stuck in the time line. I kick my legs, arms and brain (the last is more harmful). I try to get out of circle, but the horrible thing is that I have no idea when I see a light, if I ever see it.
Wasn't it pessimistic message? I know, I wanted to write it long time ago. Now I did after several attempts to write something smart for my stupid GRE question.
The problem of my mind is that it asks all the time if it is good enough to be good in life, to be strong and smart. It doesn't have an answer. Not from people, not from itself.
Blah... blah.. blah.. Help me, someone, to see my good way. Help me, someone to understand my self, to improve myself, to be strong, persistent and forseeable.
It is a pity that I am not a witch, I can't look into my future and get a hint what to do in presence. Anyway, I live, I must do soemthing to get that future. What I am going to now.
See you with my next stupid thoughts
G
Saturday, February 12, 2005
Sunday, February 06, 2005
My review of short scene from Awakening by Kate Chopin
I know that I wrote rubbishly in many places, but don't criticicize me please, because it is the first time when I write what I think about a novel.
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The dinner was not so big; there were a few of guests who “were selected with discrimination.” They were different from each other, and as it seems to me every represented diversity of society and age. Mr. Ratignolle represented the Creole. Mr. and Mrs. Merriman look like people who try to be in the high society. For example, Mr. Merriman was famous for his laugh on other’s jokes. Isn’t it good way to be attached to people who won’t like to know you as an equal?
Mrs. Highcamp, a lady who likes young souls and bodies, who likes to be among youth, male youth, using her daughter. She wants to be younger, I think. Maybe she wants to gain that she didn’t have in her youth, enjoyment of merry time among people of opposite sex. She plays with young Victor, she wants his attention. She saw he didn’t pay a lot of attention to her, but she stays “with easy indifference for an opportunity to reclaim his attention, while he was chatting to prettier Mrs. Merriman. Probably “easy indifference” shows that Mrs. Highcamp was often out of attention. I would say she is some kind of a fly who sticks to man’s body.
Miss Mayblunt, about whom people talk as a “intellectual” woman, seems to use her lorgnettes to make such a view. But who knows. It is interesting to notice that fact, that such intellectual and skillful women as Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz are not married. At least Miss Mayblunt has some companion who was with her on the dinner, Mr. Gouvernail. By the way, the description of him as a “observant” is well done. His comment on the scene with Victor and Mrs. Highcamp was detailed and brief enough to notice what was going on that moment. Words “desire”, “red blood” and “gold.”
The decoration of room reminds a wedding, or heaven, something from angels. Edna was without husband, she felt herself as a queen, “the regal woman, the one who rules, who looks on, who stands alone.” That moment she was not, at least she didn’t feel herself like that, a decorative addition to her husband who was the host all the time, probably. I said wedding, because of colors of decoration: gold, pale yellow, red and yellow roses. Moreover, “there came over her the acute longing which always summoned into her spiritual vision the presence of the beloved one.” She doesn’t want to be alone, she wants to be with beloved one, but she overpowered with a sense of the “unattainable.” I don’t know, but I think she wanted physical enjoyment, she possessed the desire, but she wanted to be alone, not to be married, not to belong to someone except herself. Maybe it is the explanation why Edna invited Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz. She wanted to be like them, to be the artist and independent woman.
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The dinner was not so big; there were a few of guests who “were selected with discrimination.” They were different from each other, and as it seems to me every represented diversity of society and age. Mr. Ratignolle represented the Creole. Mr. and Mrs. Merriman look like people who try to be in the high society. For example, Mr. Merriman was famous for his laugh on other’s jokes. Isn’t it good way to be attached to people who won’t like to know you as an equal?
Mrs. Highcamp, a lady who likes young souls and bodies, who likes to be among youth, male youth, using her daughter. She wants to be younger, I think. Maybe she wants to gain that she didn’t have in her youth, enjoyment of merry time among people of opposite sex. She plays with young Victor, she wants his attention. She saw he didn’t pay a lot of attention to her, but she stays “with easy indifference for an opportunity to reclaim his attention, while he was chatting to prettier Mrs. Merriman. Probably “easy indifference” shows that Mrs. Highcamp was often out of attention. I would say she is some kind of a fly who sticks to man’s body.
Miss Mayblunt, about whom people talk as a “intellectual” woman, seems to use her lorgnettes to make such a view. But who knows. It is interesting to notice that fact, that such intellectual and skillful women as Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz are not married. At least Miss Mayblunt has some companion who was with her on the dinner, Mr. Gouvernail. By the way, the description of him as a “observant” is well done. His comment on the scene with Victor and Mrs. Highcamp was detailed and brief enough to notice what was going on that moment. Words “desire”, “red blood” and “gold.”
The decoration of room reminds a wedding, or heaven, something from angels. Edna was without husband, she felt herself as a queen, “the regal woman, the one who rules, who looks on, who stands alone.” That moment she was not, at least she didn’t feel herself like that, a decorative addition to her husband who was the host all the time, probably. I said wedding, because of colors of decoration: gold, pale yellow, red and yellow roses. Moreover, “there came over her the acute longing which always summoned into her spiritual vision the presence of the beloved one.” She doesn’t want to be alone, she wants to be with beloved one, but she overpowered with a sense of the “unattainable.” I don’t know, but I think she wanted physical enjoyment, she possessed the desire, but she wanted to be alone, not to be married, not to belong to someone except herself. Maybe it is the explanation why Edna invited Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz. She wanted to be like them, to be the artist and independent woman.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
Useful and useless
You can sit near a lamp that gives you a light, and it seems to be that it is very good for you and helpful. But it doesn't give the warmth, it doesn't touch you, it doesn't talk to you. I put the light on you, you can see ahead, at least a couple steps. But it won't warm you from the cold wind of coming feelings.
Oh my Gosh, I wrote this being in very bad mood, I was mad and frustraited. That stupid movie made me think a lot. Now it is next day, and I am better. Wish you the same ;-)
G
Oh my Gosh, I wrote this being in very bad mood, I was mad and frustraited. That stupid movie made me think a lot. Now it is next day, and I am better. Wish you the same ;-)
G
Friday, February 04, 2005
My new reading
Lately I try to read more. For myself, for my future, for my classes. Just a couple minutes ago I finished an article in TIME. It told about hapiness, why we are happy, for what. Amazingly, but we are born with genes that construct us as optimists or pessimists. Moreover, hard times make us stronger not weaker. Person who had stresses being a child will be better in stress situations when he/she is an adult. Now I see why I was so troubled after leaving mother's home. I was not prepared for life. But I think my genes help me to be more positive in hardships, at least this help grows with every day.
ANother reason why I write about this article is the statement that diaries have positive influence on condition of the writer. Writing about things we have gratitude makes us better. And this fact was told in another article as well. I recalled another article, I cut from Ukrainian newspaper, about how good to have the diary. Wow... How could I forget about it? Maybe it is becuase I left my diary with mom. But anyway, I have now more improved diary that I can edit, cut and change, so I have to keep advices of those articles in my mind,, and do what they tell is good to do. :-)
Well, I better go to read more
Best regards,
G
ANother reason why I write about this article is the statement that diaries have positive influence on condition of the writer. Writing about things we have gratitude makes us better. And this fact was told in another article as well. I recalled another article, I cut from Ukrainian newspaper, about how good to have the diary. Wow... How could I forget about it? Maybe it is becuase I left my diary with mom. But anyway, I have now more improved diary that I can edit, cut and change, so I have to keep advices of those articles in my mind,, and do what they tell is good to do. :-)
Well, I better go to read more
Best regards,
G
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