My writing, my pain, my nervousness

How it is wonderful to write for myself. I know that no one will read those lines ( I believe so), that is why I can write every rubbish I know, I can say, and I can write. Right now I am seating on my assignment that I have for myself. Yes, my own assignment. I gave a word to myself to write at least one essay per day, and now I regret about this promise, because it seems to me that I am unskillful stupid girl. Anyway, I have to do that, and I know that I like to write, but I hate to do that by assignment. oh, how to break myself, stricke my head with thoughts and make myself go ahead in writing.

I am crazy about law school. I study so hard becuase of it, and I am so scared to fail. I am so scared that my dreams and time I spent for all those preparations will be lost, because I will fail. I am crazy, I know. I know I have to, I must to believe myself that I can do it, that I can go through. I want to be smart girl, I want to show everyone that I also have some brain. I think, I am so childish, I am so far away from maturety. It is hoorible to know that. It is not because of my behaviour. It is because I try to understand many things, but I am not able to do. That is why I think that there are so many smart people on this planet, but I regret that I am not among them. What do you thing, my reader? Am I smart enough for my age? Maybe I need to study more and more? But it looks like everything I read doesn't stay in my head. I try, I try hard, but everything somewhere, not with me. I don't want this pressure, but I do it by myself, I create it. I suffer it. It is not big deal if I won't receive what I want, but I want what I want. I cannot go aside. All the time everything flew in very good stream. But I am so scared of future. I don't do anything, and I don't know what I should do. I bet on one thing, and I hope, believe in it. But what will happen if it fails? I don't know. That is why I think about stopping and not going further. Maybe just to step on solid ground, where I feel that I will stay on it. Another question is if it is possible to find such ground, ground that will be good enough in all my plans.

You will ask me what plans I have. I want to be independent. I want to be rich. I want to afford a car, a house and good travels. I want to be famous. I want to be good in my job. I want to love my job. I want to have big money. I want to spend those money thinking that it was gained by my own. That's what I want. Is it too pragmatic? Am I too crazy about money? Nope. Not for me.

Now I am total contrary to my dream. I don't want this. My dream I called "solid ground". A life of my dream is that foundation that will make me happier than I am right now. I stuck in the time line. I kick my legs, arms and brain (the last is more harmful). I try to get out of circle, but the horrible thing is that I have no idea when I see a light, if I ever see it.

Wasn't it pessimistic message? I know, I wanted to write it long time ago. Now I did after several attempts to write something smart for my stupid GRE question.

The problem of my mind is that it asks all the time if it is good enough to be good in life, to be strong and smart. It doesn't have an answer. Not from people, not from itself.

Blah... blah.. blah.. Help me, someone, to see my good way. Help me, someone to understand my self, to improve myself, to be strong, persistent and forseeable.

It is a pity that I am not a witch, I can't look into my future and get a hint what to do in presence. Anyway, I live, I must do soemthing to get that future. What I am going to now.

See you with my next stupid thoughts

G