Give me a gun!

Give me a gun, and I will shoot myself. That is what I feel right now. I am nowhere, I go nothing what will (or can) happen to me. I am disgusted with my life without any result. HELP! HELP! SOS people. Help my soul to relax and think ptimistically.

I don't know what I am tired of, but I never felt what I feel right now. I never was so messurable like I am those days. I think that I did miss something in my past. Maybe I just was of too high thought of myself. Yes, it was, but why did it turn me into zomby who hates everything around me - people, husband, dog.

Give me a gun. I will shoot myself. If not, I will laugh from myself about everything what happening to me right now. But I wonder what happening to me? The life sucks. My mind sucks me also. WHat to do? What I want to do? I know what I want to do. but I don't know how to get faster to the point what I desire to have so much.

Help me. Help me. I don't want to die. I don't want to look like a weak girl who wants to give up without even the trial to make a situation better. I want to be strong. BUT.... so often I do have this "but" that eats my soul and mind with a spoon and a fork. But I can't be strong because I see so many examples of other people who work harder than me and being in a similiar situation like I am right now they achieved more than I did. It is so painful to think that you are not what you think of yourself. It is so painful to know that you are weak.

I know, I know that it is a journey, and my circumstances might be different from others. But (you see, again this "but") I can't make my mind that it may justify my situation right now.

You will ask me what my situation is right now. I will tell you. My head is sticking from the ass . Doesn't matter whose, but it stinks around, and it stinks in my head. I don't work, I don't study pretty good. I wanted to get into law school, and now I realized that I can't because the test result is so bad. I hate myself, because I think that I am not so strong and smart like I thought I was. I am exhausted and my mind is crazy. I am tired. I am tired of thoughts that I am not able to reach something at least till my 30. Look at other girl, they studied, they worked, they were independable in a while.

Now look at me. What do you think? A looser? Yes, that is what I am talking about.

Wait a minute. I am not dying right now. I can do something.

Hey, you see. Again I want to show that I am much better than someone else.

Life, life. I expected so diffferent life from what I have now. I thought I will get into law school in a first year, I thought I will study and be the best student. I thought I will be independable enough to buy a car at least in a couple of years. Now I don't se that it can happen to me. SO many things happened without any plan and prediction. Now those things kill my mind. I wish it killed me with a gun or a knife. Nope, it kills me with worse thing and this thing is the depression. May I send to the hell that depression? Ah. Help me SOS

G.