I cannot believe myself that I will be at law school beginning Fall 07. After many painful rejections, worries why those people don't like me, and anxiety of opening a mail box expecting next rejection are over. I am in the school I want to be and I still cannot believe that I am in. I have a great joy and relief that I don't want to worry any more, at least, until August. However, thought about the whole process comes to me periodically and makes me scared. "And what would be if you didn't get this acceptance?" Of course, I had some backup as two nice schools and I would be happy to attend them. Just that we would spend some money for moving and adjusting to a new place (:-)) like it would be something new to me! after several changes in residence). But although having that happiness my ambition was not satisfied with the way things went. I applied to several schools of the first tier with a hope to get many acceptances because of my background. But it was a great shock when rejections one by one came into my mailbox from school I considered safe.

"What is wrong with me or those guys?" I asked myself many times with disguist to both. I was afraid of many things that possibly were wrong in my file, but the worst was I couldn't know what fact of my application prevented admissions committees to make such a RUDE decision as reject me. First I thought it is my transcript that is hard to be translated into American grade system. However, some schools sent to me rejection, although I submitted evaluation to them. Then I decided that the problem is with my personal statement and looks like I was right. I went to my tutor with it and asked her to tell me truth about what she thinks. She said it was great; however, I didn't sell myself in it. Possibly because of this it didn't work on the people who read it, actually not read by skipped through too many of essays they have to read during a day.

SELL MYSELF to employer, dean of admissions, co-worker, and maybe even to a friend. I think, a couple of years ago I wouldn't agree with it, because I would say I am as I am and if people don't see that it should be theie own problem. However, now, I understand how many things work. The problem is how to learn to sell myself. What should I have written in that personal statement? How great I am? That I am smart and intelligent? Maybe it was just a cultural that I cannot do that - write about myself with a high opinion, my opinion, not others?

I am happy with the decision I have and there is no doubt for me that I will go to that school. But inner voice said that I had a lot of time to prepare for this process and I didn't do enough to compete with others. Although I reached a goal I had, I still not satisfied with the way I acted and did all that. What would I do if I had another chance to do all over?

1. I would spend at least a year for the prparation to LSAT, not as I did preparing only 2 months.
2. I would not be in hurry with submission of applications. First, I would spend more time on my personal statement. Of course, it was difficult to me, because I never have done it in my life. Moreover, my wonderful tutor decided to take time off and I didn't have any person to talk about what I write and how well I write. So instead of "selling myself" I did tell a story about my life.

I think those are the points I would do differently. I understand that it is too late to cry out about my own mistakes and to be worried about my unaccomplishments in admission process, but I am really happy that my admission story has a happy end. Imagine, I even called to admission asking them whether it is not a mistake that I was accepted. That feeling of a satisfaction of the acceptance is a great thing after all survived rejections. Yes, the ambition was hurt, but what should be important for me? Process or result? Yes, the process was delightful even with all its anxiety, but I happy with the result and I don't want my mind to go back with any doubts in my own abilities. What I should take from all that is the lesson of "selling myself" and "writing better". Not sure about working harder, because I think my work was really hard those months of law schools preparations.

Thanks to God. I AM IN!!!!!!!!

Did I forget abut Valentines Day again?

Ok, I got up this morning, jogged, took a shower, turned on TV, and, my Gosh what I saw. It is a Valentine Day today. Oh, noo, I forgot to buy the chocolate to my Lovely. Ah, the heck, just go and congratulate him, with a sweet kiss. That will be ok. What do you think? He gave me an ENORMOUSLY LARGE bear. I am the happiest. I always wanted to have a big bear. I love stuffed animals. I have elephant, dog (the gift to family's friend child, who grew up from toys, so I kept it to myself), small bear (another gift of me dearest), another dog and a rebit from Frontier Airlines. Isn't it sweet that now I have a huge bear?

Beside Valentine Day I wanted to talk about friends and friendship. Did you ever had a friendship with a person who makes you think that you are the smartest person in the world? Well, I did and I do. I cannot call the relationship with that person as a friendship. Maybe she does, but not me. Our "friendship" (I love those quotes because they show unrealated character of the word friendship to my relationship to this person) was more as a consecuencces of my life. I knew her before, then we didn't see each other for a while, and now we live in the same city. Really interesting coincidence but I won't go into a lot of details.

So this person, sticked to me with her friendship, and I accepted for a while, but now I understood that our values are very different. I always hated narrow-minded people, who thinks that their opinions can be the only that are correct and that everyone has to stick to them and approve. Of course, it is great to have an opinion, and to be devoted to it; however, this opinion should be based upon not only own preferences to things how you want them to be but also upon simple results of brain work, facts, anlysis and other logical processes that every human being can have from the birth or through learning and development. The person I am talking about lacks all those abilities, leaving only her opinion about the things in the way how she wants them to be. In simple words, she wants her life and things in her life to be better then anybody's else. If they don't, she will be frustrated and aggrevated, jealous and envious, trying to complain about the things that don't go her way. I know I do the same way sometimes, however, I have some type of the flexability, because I know that I am in different country now and I have to be accustomed to the new culture I live in now and I am going to stay in till possibly my last day. her narrow mind doesn't want accept new rules, and she is trying to convience me that people around are WRONG, she is the one who is RIGHT. There is no respect to the customs and rules of others. Her mind also is clogged by laziness and the lack of curiousity. She lives here for a couple of years and doesn't know many aspects of life she lives in now. Unfrortunately, it looks like that she even doesn't want to be involved in the learning of the new living style she is in.

Oh, no, actually I am wrong. She enjoys to show herself as a person who is from the high class. Damn it. Does it matter that she doesn't have the best service in the airlines? Does it matter that somebody didn't answer all her questions and advised to come over and to spend time talking in person? No, she thinks that everybody has to bend themselves in front of her, becausse she pays money, because she lives now in the country where everybody has to give the best services, because a customer is always correct. Yes, partly she is right, however, you cannot demand what is impossible or what is not paid for by you .

Oh, God, she tried to introduce her friend to me, and I think that was over the edge. I could survive one person like this, but not two. Greedy, uninterested in other things beyond their make-up, good sales and husband's income. Narrow-minded, who doesn't want to adjust to the new conditions of life expecting everybody to adjust to them, to their wishes and desires. Why in the Earth would I be so stiff? why should I demand everybody to follow my princeples of life, when there are so many people in this country and over the world, who may demand the same. Why are there people, who cannot realize that their wishes should be compromized sometimes for the heck of others who is around you. That would make everybody's lives easier, first of all for the same person who doesn't want to be compromised.

I noticed this feature among many Russian immigrants. I guess, other nations who immigrated have the same problems, but the most of immigrants I meet and know are immigrants from the former Soviet Union. And I can tell you up front, that those people, of course not all, are demanding demanding demanding. They think they are the center of the world and everything should be done for them in return for nothing. demand demand and are lazy to do something for themselves. I HATE it. First months of my life in US were the same way, I demanded free English classes, less beauraucracy and other small things, that I could have found compromise for, but I didn't want to. Then I thought, "Hey, slow down, because you are in another culture, you are the one who should follow those rules, although they are new to you." What a relief I had to follow my own conclusion. Well, of course, my curiousity in all things around me helped me with that, because I am not that lazy ass who will sit on a couch waiting for help and complaining how bad things are (I do it sometimes, I must confess). I go to places, I ask questions, and I get flexible with the information and with the events.

Anyway, I guess that "friendship" is not for me, and I will try to part with that person, because all those "high society" minds make me mad, crazy and unstable.

What is happening to Blogger? Is it on Google now? That is weird. But maybe good for the Blogger. At least I don't need to remember my login name, just put in the email. Sweet.

I was going to write something serious, because I was in mood after my Fridays commitment, but after a glass (well, and a half) and a good meal I cooked, I feel so much relaxed. Now to the worst or the best I turned on Bravo channel and damn, there is Madonna's show. I love this woman. I know she is a bitchy and you can tell from her face. But her music is great. Her songs. Oh... when I am in bad mood I listen to her "Frozen", when I am in good mood I can listen to any of her songs. I wouldn't say I like very much her last show. Well, I expected new songs, but not remixes of the old ones. But I think it is ok with me, because now I can sit and recall the album her song is from. Nice. I love Fridays and Madonna. Look at her shape! Woman of .. how old is she? Her late 40s? I wish to be in the same shape, and with the same amount of money she has, and the engergy, maybe even the amount of men? I went too far. Who knows how I look in my 40s. I hope not with a big stomach and lazy ass.

What did I want to talk about? I wanted to tell that I am the person of nerves. I worry about everything: from mid term test to the word I said to somebody and I thought that it was too tough. My nervousness reflects on everything I am doing, including the human being. Like today. I was so frustraited with those stupid clients (not all of them are stupid but three of them were). People get into trouble and that blame everybody else, but not themselves about what happens to them. I don't think it is right. Sometimes I believe in the idea that a person builds own life and in many cases that person (which means me, you he and she etc) creates problems and then blames other people, expecting the help from the outside. Of course, there are so many cases where people just got in trouble despite they were very careful and smart about their life. But so many cases I see where people just negligent and arrogant about their own life. They do the stupidest things and then expect some Saint Peter will come to save them. The worst part of the story, that everybody will be blame for such unluck they have.

Sometimes I start blame myself for being so critical. You see my life was always safe. Well, my childhood was spent in parent's love, but we lived in freaken poverty. I wore second-hand clothes, we ate only potato that we grew on the garden field. I hate those times. But my parents took care of me. Now I am taken care of as well, so I didnt see VERY horrible times, when I had to take care of myself. But I don't think this fact says that I cannot critisize those people, because I care of my life and I am responsible (at least sometimes). If I do decision, I have to weight it and ask around to figure out whether I do the right thing. While those people think they can get along with their negligence without any bad consequences.

I think my mind goes somewhere far, so I will stop at this point. The only conclusion I want to say is that I don't want to work for public, because working for public is working in the field of taking decision for somebody and in the field of irresponsible people. I don't like irresponsability and the lack of mind. Too tough? Yes. I don't mind to help people who is in trouble by unluck or just by someone's arrogance, but I don't want to help losers who are looking for an excuse of their foolish and hollow mind.

I better go, because nice movie started, but I will be back to this subject not once, because it is too touchy to me.

It is hard to start what I planned

Before I start my stupid homework (I have a test tomorrow) I thought why not to write a couple of lines. My wonder is what about to write. Just recently I read some blogs and I was impressed how some people keep up with updating them, what I cannot tell about myself.

Anyway, lately I am trying to keep myself busy, but I keep stucking on Internet. I surf someone's web site, blog, or just who knows what. However, I try to keep myself follow the plan.

So the things I want to do in the nearest future:

1. read A Civil Action. because I am going to law school next fall I decided to read the recommended literature, and, bless God, among that recommended list I have found nice fiction. Also I found this bood in my library. I bought it a year ago or less in ARC.
2. learn photoshop. I have the program. I have the photos. I have the BOOK. YEsss I hope in addition to this I have the imagination and creativity.
3. learn Spanish. Yeap, I talked to my mom, and she is like, "hmm... if there are so many Spanish speaking people around, why won't you learn their language. It will defenetly help in you future work, whatever it will be." Thanks mom! You gave me wonderful idea. So I took first steps - I ordered online Spanish books and CDs. They didn't come yet, but I am excited.
4. just relax. I have so much nerves recently. All those law schools just killing me. Some of them rejected me, which made me almost cry, and some don't give any response that makes me feel even worse. This thing will be the hardest to do. I will see.

So those vows were settled in my mind and I hope they will be in my actions. Just keep doing I guess.

G.