so much of my Sunday

Researching "Depositions in foreign countries" is what I am doing during this Sunday evening. Every weekend I try to work--research or writing--and rarely successful since by laziness overcomes me and I end up with a few hours of late evening work after many hours of procrastination in front of TV or just doing nothing. Crap.

Saturday's run

I had my morning run today. It was awesome: rising sun, morning light, empty streets and roads, and a disco music in my headphones.

I think I did not tell before that I used to run for about 8 years almost every morning until I got to a law school and started stressing out and complaining about lack of time.  I quited running but then decided to return and at the first day of my "coming back" I injured my knee.

For more than a year, I envied every runner I saw on a trail or side of a road.  I tried to get back a couple of times, but a sever pain in my knee was stronger than me.  But then overcoming my fear of knee pain, I went to a physical therapist and with help of several exercises and hours of training I returned back to my 35-minutes runs. Unfortunately, one day I tried to run during strong winds and a knee pain returned bringing back my fear of pain and uncertainty that I can run again. 

In last month I have realized that physical exercises mean a lot to me: they bring energy to my body and happiness to my life.  So I have decided that I need get back to my running routine because I feel it is important to me to be able to do it without fear of failure.  

Now I can run only 13 minutes on a trail and about 15 minutes on a tread mill in a gym.  Luckily, I do not have a knee pain, yet <knock on wood>.  But I hope to increase my time to at least 35 minutes. Who knows, maybe one day I will decide to run a marathon :-)))

Today is Friday

A few minutes ago I hang out on FB. Looked at the list of people who is online and then asked myself: who are those people? Seriously, my biggest mistake I made while in a law school was a failure to get more contacts with my classmates. I know faces, but have hard time to place names to those faces. Yeah, I feel bad. Today I spent 6 hours working on my clinic work, even though I planned to spend only 2-3 hours. Sometimes clinic work sucks you into working mood. Finally, I did some cleaning and Santa Claus is gone to a shelf in my closet. I know, it is April, but honestly, I did not have time for a house cleaning.

Bar Advisor

I was in the midst of my deliberation whether I should post about my feelings as to the bar exam I have taken three days ago. After reading an article (see below) I have decided to follow the advice of the author and limit my story to the following: "this was hell!" Anyway, the life is going on and you will see later how it goes for me . :-)))

Bar Advisor: "do not blog (publicly) about the bar exam until AFTER you have passed it.

Why do I say this? To begin with, a blog requires lots of psychic energy to maintain. When you draft a post, you want it to be interesting,
well-written, and timely. You worry about it before you send it off into the blogosphere where anyone can read it. When you are studying for the bar
examination, you do not have time for such a distraction and drain of mental resources.

Next, constant and public worry about failing the bar exam (which is what the majority of these bar-exam blog posts contain) will begin to infiltrate your mind and create an expectation of failure. You may not believe it, but it is true. And, guess what, if you fail, you'll be able to continue blogging about how much you hate the bar exam and your loyal readers will keep reading your posts. This is a sick form of codependency."

Second exam at the end of 2L year ...

... I want to be happy sooo much! :-(

P.S. I had motivation till the moment when I had realized that I don't know how to take exams ... and this sucks!

The end of November

Today I have missed two classes. They were first missed classes for a whole semester. I am awfully ashamed. The reason is not excusable - I have to finish my note of 25 pages before this Friday 5 p.m. What did I do during a semester I do not know. I seemed to me I was a very busy student. But despite this I am behind in this damn note and some reading. Bless God I have a week of the rest or will it be a rest? If I call outlining, studying and reading missed assignment a rest, then, sure, I will have a rest :-))

Flow

Today I have got some good feedback, but for some reason it does not make me feel right. Why? I do not know. perhaps, because now I have raise a bar of expectation too high and I am afraid I will not be able to jump over it again :-( God help me and give more confidence.

Yesterday I was called on in Agency class. I did answer but not the questions given. I do not feel bad, but I wish I could have done better.

Bottom line - I feel weird, like something is going to happen and I will not like it. Maybe it is election thing? Who knows?

Life is full of .... [fill a blank]

So what did I do today? I had a midterm on Income Tax class... yeahhh ... I was behind in studying and therefore I was nervous like never booooo... I did not sleep. Actually, I slept 3-4 hours at night... I studied and after I could not fall asleep. What a life! Consequently today I was exhausted and tired. Exam was easy. The problem is that I have realized that after I wrote an exam and left a classroom. What do I think of the exam? I failed ... [cursing]. I forgot to answer third question - yes forgot, even though I might have known the answer, and I messed up parties (as always) of the transactions (no suprise for me). as a result I applied wrong rules. I am miserable now and I want to cry but I do not have tears. The point of this giberish is not complaining (enough of it I had on these pages), but to discuss the fact of life - I study for exam and do not sleep at night, because I want to have a good result, and then I come to exam and almost fall asleep there, at least my mind did this. As a result I will have result not better than if I slept at night instead of snoozing above a textbook. Conclusion? study smart! do this step by step. I avoided that and here is the result :-(((

6 weeks behind

What can I say? I enjoy 2L much more than I enjoyed 1L. I have classes I want and I like. I chose good professors. But reading is much higher in volume. Now I looked into my immigration law and see that I have to read 30 pages. What a bummer! I was going to write my memo for my externship.

Last week and this week I am really stressed out because till this time I was on time in everything, I was fine with my reading, a little bit behind with outlining. But now this is a crisis. I did not do anything for my note for a journal. Today I did not read for my Income tax. I still work on that memo. I am frustraited that my efficiency is so low. I am really frustraited. For the worst part this frustration takes away my sleep, and, consequently, I am sleepy all day; I am a dangerous driver, because I move from one side of the line to another, and I am just mad at every person around me.

Two done, two to go

I freak out... I am stressed and ready to loose my consciousness. I have submitted paper today for another exam and I think that paper is the worst paper I even had written in my life. I tried to sound funny but at the end it came up really serious. briefly, it was a parody on the paper. Now I have to study for the next final, and I forgot my textbooks in the locker. Did I leave my brain in a locker too??? Anyway, I will be realllyyy happy when I finish this damn fist year!!!

Another thought for today

Actually, I should not be so mad, because just this morning I was thinking that I am not qualified for the job with a large firm. I was not sure whether I will feel ok if I have a big money from them and do a lot of things badly. Whatever! On one of my profiles I said that everything what happens with me is for the best. Just yesterday I talked with one guy online (Yahoo messenger) about this phrase, and funny thing I tired to persuade him that this statement reflects the reality. Now, by writing previous post I rejected my idea (almost rejected). So now I have to think positively and think about benefits I will get from not having an internship.

1. I can take classes and it will be easier then during the year.

2. I can visit my parents, and go to Turkey

3. Perhaps I will find internship with judge or another firm, and even though I will not get as much money, but I will get a good experience.

4. I just will have fun time.

Damn it, I cannot believe that I have found so many good reasons not to be upset.

:-))))

Bad news I have got and now upset

So those f***** interviews did not work out for me. They just did not like me. I am upset, and maybe mostly not because they did not chose me, but because I have spent tremendous amount of time with a huge hopes I will get it. As a result I did not. Now I have to begin my process again and look for something different. I want to apply for judicial internship. I think I am interested in them more. Moreover, it is for free, and I hope judges will like it more.

I am sorry for bad words BUT I am f***** mad.