oh.... a half way through semester

Today was another day when during three classes I tried to find courage to talk in the class and I did not. And I am trying to do this not mostly for the grade but because I want to talk to remember and understand things better. Why don't I talk? I have no idea. At one point I think I do not have enough what to say and then when I do not say anything, I am getting bored and do not want even to hear what is going on in class. Sad, uh? So far last Thursday night I have spent slepless from 2 am till 4 am just because I worried that I didn't begin to do my outline, when others did, and I worried what I have got on my memo for Legal Writing. As a result, my memo was fine. My Contracts outline did not move even a word. I am not regreting it now very much, just because I have another paper to do. But I still regret that I do not talk in the classes. That is what I do not like in American law schools' system, the way how they teach. When in my previous school, we had seminars where the only persons who talked were students, and just through prepairing to this talk I learnt. Here, I just do not want sometimes to show my thought, and I guess just out of fear that I will be wrong and then all class will look at me like I am an idiot. I already have looked like this when I asked where I get cans for homeless drive, or whatever they have in the school now as an action. Apparently, it was not cans from pops, but cans of food. Honestly, I am not much into bringing food for homeless, just because of my views on homeless here. But just because if everybody shows up with those cans, then the professor will not call on people, but will look for volunteers. Which I do not mind if she calls on my, because I will get a chance to talk, a chance that I look forward from myself each day and without any success as I have told above.

Anyway, I have to read Property now, the class I really like despite of all the difficulties of perpetuities and trusts that we go through now. Then I have to think about memo for Legal Writing. Actually not only think but write at least something, because it is due on Friday.

Another week is passed..

and it was ok. We had a lot of reading and I did not anything with my outlines. One of professors gave us this lecture on the subject how to outline. And what you think? everybody is happy that now they know how to outline? WRONG answer! Now everybody is freaked out (including me) that they have to do outline and they do not want, they do not have time and all other things. But my point of this post is not this. BTW, it is almost 10 pm now and I am really sleepy, so I am not going to bore myself with long discussion.

So ABA sent out me this electronic letter with an article about shortage jobs in the legal field and accessive number of law school graduates at the same time. Result? Disaster for many graduates who has left a law school with thousands dollars of debts and with jobs of $50 grand per year. Sucks, does it not? Now what do you think I think about it? This news is definetly not the happiest one. It looks like the situation in my country repeats. Scarry. Sorry. this is it for today, because I am sleepy and I do not want to write who knows what.

G

Law School began and already ate a half of my nerves...

...sleep, free time, calm heart and mind, and many other things. I know I have intended to write almost everyday, but shock of studying, reading, writing, and who knows what else doing, killed all my good intentions. Finally, after a month of that stressful work in law school, I have recalled my plans to write about my days in the school. So here I am, coming back from the darkness of studying law.

During orientation week I hated 2 and 3 year students, who insisted on the fact how hard school will be for us, first year, and how scared we will be. Well, I did not believe them and I made a mistake. My first month was a hell. It is better now, but those first days of not understanding what is going on around me, put me in high distress and disbelief in own strenghth. Moreover, that spirit of competition that I feel each moment, kills me even more. Maybe I just imagine things, but this is how I feel. Huge amount of reading of the cases that contradict each other. My mind had hard time, and still has, switching from civil law system to case law. I mean, what the heck to dig into all those case law, if you can make rules, that still can be quite flexible and live by those rules. Well, of course, there are down sides (is it correct spelling?) of civil law in lack of flexibility. But I find case law superb wrong regarding too high role of the attorneys. Without attorney, even with a winning case, you will not do much, just because of lack of skills in research, knowing the procedure, what fact to stress and what case to use. It is good for attroneys, but not as good for people. On another hand, though, it is good for people, because with a losing case they still may win having a good attorney. Loose or win for a client, it is still will be always win for an attorney, just because he will be able to get his/her buck anyway. This a thought I have now. Possibly in another month it will change to something esle. The good thing is I begin getting used to case law and it makes to me some sense. But still I can be angry reading two cases on the same issue, that still contradict each other.

So my days are pretty busy. Mornings I go to swimming pool for 5.30 am or run, then I get ready and go to the school. In the school I am around 7.30 am, as a rule. I check my email, read before class and off to go for a class at 8.30 or 9.00 am (depends what day). An hour bentween classes is really helpful, just because I can sit down and read through what I have read at home. And, as I understood recently, it is a good thing to do, because after 10 pages for one class and then 10 for another, I loose the track of events, sense and everything else. So I try to go back to assigments and skim them.

What I really love about school is Internet everywhere. I assume you can get it even in a restroom hehehe.... for me, adict to Internet, it is great. The only thing is that I do not have much time to go to web sites and do something, even writing emails.

I am in real trouble with legal writing class. I love it, but I know I write total rubbish. Bless God tutors are really helpful. I think the theme of tutors I will continue in my next note.

Cheers,
G

Yesssss.... I am freeeeeee!!!!!

Finally I wrote my research paper. Thanks to a teacher who allowed to finish it after test. I had a week to do that, but spent only two days and already tired. Now I can do whatever I want to do! Isn't it great to feel so free from any responsabilities? So what am I going to do?

• take more photos, practice and enjoying photography
• read books from my "this is what I plan to read' shelf
• walk around city, attend museums and numerous siteseeings. I have found a bunch of web site for this purpose
• learn Spanish. I had last Friday a client who speaks no English and only Spanish. I talked to her with an interpreter, and tell you the truth I was upset I could not talk to her by myself. Well, I will work on it.

This is my plan. Surely, something will be added along the summer. I LOVE summer and I am happy it came.

J.

My tiresome day

I looked up other's weblogs and realized I had fogotten about mine, so here I am writing this.

A day went really crazy. I had a project to do for one of my classes (bless God this was the last one for this semester). So my wonderful team (another 5 students) decided to do nothing for that project. Of course, nobody told me that in my face, but they kept ignoring my emails and questions. So as a result, I had to spend all day yesterday to work on a project paper, to do work for which a credit will be shared between all of us. I was really mad, and I think I am still mad. Dane told I should not be, because it is always in life like that. it is almost like that TV commercial of chips and salsa, where guys do nothing but a girl finish the project and everybody praises a team. I hate such things. I don't like when people ride others backs to their aims. Anyway I have to relax and forget about it.

It was hot and nice day. I took pics of some bees. They are really awsome. I didn't touch my camera for so long. So I was happy. I already editted them and posted online.

I have another research paper to do, and looks like I don't have any strength and wish to begin it. Hopefully I will this evening.

Being sick sucks!!!!!

A week ago I was really sick. Stupid me, get out to outside to Kingsoopers when it was snowing outside. Strong and cold wind did his job - next day I felt weak, I hated myself and life as well, because I was tired of fever, congestions and other consequnce. Well, in a week and a half I felt better, but now defenetly I wear warm coats despite pretty warm weather.

So what happened to me so far? Nothing special. I have finished Presumed Innocent and started Northanger by Jane Austine. I read last one in three days. I loved it. Now I am reading A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. It is so-so. He touches a lot of problems of present humanity, but I don't think he did very deep. There are 10 or 20 pages left.

BTW, I decided to create my reading list on Amazon. It is a nice idea to track my own readings and to write my opinion. Not only because somebody will read, but also for myself. Spit it down wil help me to write more.

I am waiting when my mom comes. She promissed. I hope she will :-)

Take care

I am just trying new things with uploading photos. This is parade. I didn't take pictures. My friend did.

Nothing special

Hi all. I finally came back to blog. I went to visit my parents. It was short travel in my spring break, but it was fun. Otherwise, I would have sit at home and did nothing.

But I got sick today. Idiot me, went out without a coat outside. I thought it was a spring, and it is indeed, but snow came and cold wind. Here is the result of it - I am coughing, sneezing and hate myself for being so irresponsible.

Picture you see was taken on Hawaii. Nice isn't it? I just thought about starting my travel blog for my friends on my native language, because they don't speak English, at least not everybody. So if I put a blog it will be fun for them to read, and for me a memory. Looks like it works nicely on page. Plus, I can download any size. GREAT! I will start my blog right away.

I am at home, but is it a home now

After horrible two tests and 3 flights I reached my parent's house. Now it is time to realize how small is an appartment I lived in, how humid it is on streets, and how much people are concerned about politics. Such a life, but I am glad to be here. Now it will be busy time meeting friends and people I know. Also I want to buy some clothes to look nice, because American clothes is not the best and not as outstanding as European.

I am in real leasure, doing nothing. Maybe I will sit and read a book. However, I am glad I came here. Some changes are so good.

I know this I said some rabbish but I wanted to keep writing at least something in my blog.

G.

Open House

Today I went to the law school Open House. I had such a great feeling of being a part of that school. I still cannot believe I made it, I got in. Actually the stress of admission process passed and I am getting calmer. The negative side is that I began to eat too much. I am not very happy with this, because I gain weight. I hope I will stop soon. Well, what else to do, if I spend the most of my time at home, watching TV or doing my homework.

So back to a law school. I understood how great is American style of communication. I remember when I came to the US I didn't like such meeting and I didn't see any use of them. Now I think this is the greatest way to meet people and know more about them and about environment they live, work.

The most important thing that I realized is that I am positive, I am sure I will survive the law school. Before I really worried, because English as a second language could prevent me from successful study; however, I changed my mind after talking to law students. I noticed, that law students are same people, grad students as any other students. Not all of them are super smart people that do nothing but study. As I understood that also have free time to relax, watch TV and do other fun stuff of ordinary young people. Moreover, I talked to one of the international students. As I understood there won't be anything difficult, and that I shouldn't worry about anything. Well, of course, I will have to work and study, but I have a feeling that it won't be as awfull as so many people say about a law school.

I am sure I will survive, and I will do my best to be in the top of class.

Nice, I WILL BE A LAW STUDENT IN FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS!!!!

I cannot believe myself that I will be at law school beginning Fall 07. After many painful rejections, worries why those people don't like me, and anxiety of opening a mail box expecting next rejection are over. I am in the school I want to be and I still cannot believe that I am in. I have a great joy and relief that I don't want to worry any more, at least, until August. However, thought about the whole process comes to me periodically and makes me scared. "And what would be if you didn't get this acceptance?" Of course, I had some backup as two nice schools and I would be happy to attend them. Just that we would spend some money for moving and adjusting to a new place (:-)) like it would be something new to me! after several changes in residence). But although having that happiness my ambition was not satisfied with the way things went. I applied to several schools of the first tier with a hope to get many acceptances because of my background. But it was a great shock when rejections one by one came into my mailbox from school I considered safe.

"What is wrong with me or those guys?" I asked myself many times with disguist to both. I was afraid of many things that possibly were wrong in my file, but the worst was I couldn't know what fact of my application prevented admissions committees to make such a RUDE decision as reject me. First I thought it is my transcript that is hard to be translated into American grade system. However, some schools sent to me rejection, although I submitted evaluation to them. Then I decided that the problem is with my personal statement and looks like I was right. I went to my tutor with it and asked her to tell me truth about what she thinks. She said it was great; however, I didn't sell myself in it. Possibly because of this it didn't work on the people who read it, actually not read by skipped through too many of essays they have to read during a day.

SELL MYSELF to employer, dean of admissions, co-worker, and maybe even to a friend. I think, a couple of years ago I wouldn't agree with it, because I would say I am as I am and if people don't see that it should be theie own problem. However, now, I understand how many things work. The problem is how to learn to sell myself. What should I have written in that personal statement? How great I am? That I am smart and intelligent? Maybe it was just a cultural that I cannot do that - write about myself with a high opinion, my opinion, not others?

I am happy with the decision I have and there is no doubt for me that I will go to that school. But inner voice said that I had a lot of time to prepare for this process and I didn't do enough to compete with others. Although I reached a goal I had, I still not satisfied with the way I acted and did all that. What would I do if I had another chance to do all over?

1. I would spend at least a year for the prparation to LSAT, not as I did preparing only 2 months.
2. I would not be in hurry with submission of applications. First, I would spend more time on my personal statement. Of course, it was difficult to me, because I never have done it in my life. Moreover, my wonderful tutor decided to take time off and I didn't have any person to talk about what I write and how well I write. So instead of "selling myself" I did tell a story about my life.

I think those are the points I would do differently. I understand that it is too late to cry out about my own mistakes and to be worried about my unaccomplishments in admission process, but I am really happy that my admission story has a happy end. Imagine, I even called to admission asking them whether it is not a mistake that I was accepted. That feeling of a satisfaction of the acceptance is a great thing after all survived rejections. Yes, the ambition was hurt, but what should be important for me? Process or result? Yes, the process was delightful even with all its anxiety, but I happy with the result and I don't want my mind to go back with any doubts in my own abilities. What I should take from all that is the lesson of "selling myself" and "writing better". Not sure about working harder, because I think my work was really hard those months of law schools preparations.

Thanks to God. I AM IN!!!!!!!!

Did I forget abut Valentines Day again?

Ok, I got up this morning, jogged, took a shower, turned on TV, and, my Gosh what I saw. It is a Valentine Day today. Oh, noo, I forgot to buy the chocolate to my Lovely. Ah, the heck, just go and congratulate him, with a sweet kiss. That will be ok. What do you think? He gave me an ENORMOUSLY LARGE bear. I am the happiest. I always wanted to have a big bear. I love stuffed animals. I have elephant, dog (the gift to family's friend child, who grew up from toys, so I kept it to myself), small bear (another gift of me dearest), another dog and a rebit from Frontier Airlines. Isn't it sweet that now I have a huge bear?

Beside Valentine Day I wanted to talk about friends and friendship. Did you ever had a friendship with a person who makes you think that you are the smartest person in the world? Well, I did and I do. I cannot call the relationship with that person as a friendship. Maybe she does, but not me. Our "friendship" (I love those quotes because they show unrealated character of the word friendship to my relationship to this person) was more as a consecuencces of my life. I knew her before, then we didn't see each other for a while, and now we live in the same city. Really interesting coincidence but I won't go into a lot of details.

So this person, sticked to me with her friendship, and I accepted for a while, but now I understood that our values are very different. I always hated narrow-minded people, who thinks that their opinions can be the only that are correct and that everyone has to stick to them and approve. Of course, it is great to have an opinion, and to be devoted to it; however, this opinion should be based upon not only own preferences to things how you want them to be but also upon simple results of brain work, facts, anlysis and other logical processes that every human being can have from the birth or through learning and development. The person I am talking about lacks all those abilities, leaving only her opinion about the things in the way how she wants them to be. In simple words, she wants her life and things in her life to be better then anybody's else. If they don't, she will be frustrated and aggrevated, jealous and envious, trying to complain about the things that don't go her way. I know I do the same way sometimes, however, I have some type of the flexability, because I know that I am in different country now and I have to be accustomed to the new culture I live in now and I am going to stay in till possibly my last day. her narrow mind doesn't want accept new rules, and she is trying to convience me that people around are WRONG, she is the one who is RIGHT. There is no respect to the customs and rules of others. Her mind also is clogged by laziness and the lack of curiousity. She lives here for a couple of years and doesn't know many aspects of life she lives in now. Unfrortunately, it looks like that she even doesn't want to be involved in the learning of the new living style she is in.

Oh, no, actually I am wrong. She enjoys to show herself as a person who is from the high class. Damn it. Does it matter that she doesn't have the best service in the airlines? Does it matter that somebody didn't answer all her questions and advised to come over and to spend time talking in person? No, she thinks that everybody has to bend themselves in front of her, becausse she pays money, because she lives now in the country where everybody has to give the best services, because a customer is always correct. Yes, partly she is right, however, you cannot demand what is impossible or what is not paid for by you .

Oh, God, she tried to introduce her friend to me, and I think that was over the edge. I could survive one person like this, but not two. Greedy, uninterested in other things beyond their make-up, good sales and husband's income. Narrow-minded, who doesn't want to adjust to the new conditions of life expecting everybody to adjust to them, to their wishes and desires. Why in the Earth would I be so stiff? why should I demand everybody to follow my princeples of life, when there are so many people in this country and over the world, who may demand the same. Why are there people, who cannot realize that their wishes should be compromized sometimes for the heck of others who is around you. That would make everybody's lives easier, first of all for the same person who doesn't want to be compromised.

I noticed this feature among many Russian immigrants. I guess, other nations who immigrated have the same problems, but the most of immigrants I meet and know are immigrants from the former Soviet Union. And I can tell you up front, that those people, of course not all, are demanding demanding demanding. They think they are the center of the world and everything should be done for them in return for nothing. demand demand and are lazy to do something for themselves. I HATE it. First months of my life in US were the same way, I demanded free English classes, less beauraucracy and other small things, that I could have found compromise for, but I didn't want to. Then I thought, "Hey, slow down, because you are in another culture, you are the one who should follow those rules, although they are new to you." What a relief I had to follow my own conclusion. Well, of course, my curiousity in all things around me helped me with that, because I am not that lazy ass who will sit on a couch waiting for help and complaining how bad things are (I do it sometimes, I must confess). I go to places, I ask questions, and I get flexible with the information and with the events.

Anyway, I guess that "friendship" is not for me, and I will try to part with that person, because all those "high society" minds make me mad, crazy and unstable.

What is happening to Blogger? Is it on Google now? That is weird. But maybe good for the Blogger. At least I don't need to remember my login name, just put in the email. Sweet.

I was going to write something serious, because I was in mood after my Fridays commitment, but after a glass (well, and a half) and a good meal I cooked, I feel so much relaxed. Now to the worst or the best I turned on Bravo channel and damn, there is Madonna's show. I love this woman. I know she is a bitchy and you can tell from her face. But her music is great. Her songs. Oh... when I am in bad mood I listen to her "Frozen", when I am in good mood I can listen to any of her songs. I wouldn't say I like very much her last show. Well, I expected new songs, but not remixes of the old ones. But I think it is ok with me, because now I can sit and recall the album her song is from. Nice. I love Fridays and Madonna. Look at her shape! Woman of .. how old is she? Her late 40s? I wish to be in the same shape, and with the same amount of money she has, and the engergy, maybe even the amount of men? I went too far. Who knows how I look in my 40s. I hope not with a big stomach and lazy ass.

What did I want to talk about? I wanted to tell that I am the person of nerves. I worry about everything: from mid term test to the word I said to somebody and I thought that it was too tough. My nervousness reflects on everything I am doing, including the human being. Like today. I was so frustraited with those stupid clients (not all of them are stupid but three of them were). People get into trouble and that blame everybody else, but not themselves about what happens to them. I don't think it is right. Sometimes I believe in the idea that a person builds own life and in many cases that person (which means me, you he and she etc) creates problems and then blames other people, expecting the help from the outside. Of course, there are so many cases where people just got in trouble despite they were very careful and smart about their life. But so many cases I see where people just negligent and arrogant about their own life. They do the stupidest things and then expect some Saint Peter will come to save them. The worst part of the story, that everybody will be blame for such unluck they have.

Sometimes I start blame myself for being so critical. You see my life was always safe. Well, my childhood was spent in parent's love, but we lived in freaken poverty. I wore second-hand clothes, we ate only potato that we grew on the garden field. I hate those times. But my parents took care of me. Now I am taken care of as well, so I didnt see VERY horrible times, when I had to take care of myself. But I don't think this fact says that I cannot critisize those people, because I care of my life and I am responsible (at least sometimes). If I do decision, I have to weight it and ask around to figure out whether I do the right thing. While those people think they can get along with their negligence without any bad consequences.

I think my mind goes somewhere far, so I will stop at this point. The only conclusion I want to say is that I don't want to work for public, because working for public is working in the field of taking decision for somebody and in the field of irresponsible people. I don't like irresponsability and the lack of mind. Too tough? Yes. I don't mind to help people who is in trouble by unluck or just by someone's arrogance, but I don't want to help losers who are looking for an excuse of their foolish and hollow mind.

I better go, because nice movie started, but I will be back to this subject not once, because it is too touchy to me.

It is hard to start what I planned

Before I start my stupid homework (I have a test tomorrow) I thought why not to write a couple of lines. My wonder is what about to write. Just recently I read some blogs and I was impressed how some people keep up with updating them, what I cannot tell about myself.

Anyway, lately I am trying to keep myself busy, but I keep stucking on Internet. I surf someone's web site, blog, or just who knows what. However, I try to keep myself follow the plan.

So the things I want to do in the nearest future:

1. read A Civil Action. because I am going to law school next fall I decided to read the recommended literature, and, bless God, among that recommended list I have found nice fiction. Also I found this bood in my library. I bought it a year ago or less in ARC.
2. learn photoshop. I have the program. I have the photos. I have the BOOK. YEsss I hope in addition to this I have the imagination and creativity.
3. learn Spanish. Yeap, I talked to my mom, and she is like, "hmm... if there are so many Spanish speaking people around, why won't you learn their language. It will defenetly help in you future work, whatever it will be." Thanks mom! You gave me wonderful idea. So I took first steps - I ordered online Spanish books and CDs. They didn't come yet, but I am excited.
4. just relax. I have so much nerves recently. All those law schools just killing me. Some of them rejected me, which made me almost cry, and some don't give any response that makes me feel even worse. This thing will be the hardest to do. I will see.

So those vows were settled in my mind and I hope they will be in my actions. Just keep doing I guess.

G.

Give me a gun!

Give me a gun, and I will shoot myself. That is what I feel right now. I am nowhere, I go nothing what will (or can) happen to me. I am disgusted with my life without any result. HELP! HELP! SOS people. Help my soul to relax and think ptimistically.

I don't know what I am tired of, but I never felt what I feel right now. I never was so messurable like I am those days. I think that I did miss something in my past. Maybe I just was of too high thought of myself. Yes, it was, but why did it turn me into zomby who hates everything around me - people, husband, dog.

Give me a gun. I will shoot myself. If not, I will laugh from myself about everything what happening to me right now. But I wonder what happening to me? The life sucks. My mind sucks me also. WHat to do? What I want to do? I know what I want to do. but I don't know how to get faster to the point what I desire to have so much.

Help me. Help me. I don't want to die. I don't want to look like a weak girl who wants to give up without even the trial to make a situation better. I want to be strong. BUT.... so often I do have this "but" that eats my soul and mind with a spoon and a fork. But I can't be strong because I see so many examples of other people who work harder than me and being in a similiar situation like I am right now they achieved more than I did. It is so painful to think that you are not what you think of yourself. It is so painful to know that you are weak.

I know, I know that it is a journey, and my circumstances might be different from others. But (you see, again this "but") I can't make my mind that it may justify my situation right now.

You will ask me what my situation is right now. I will tell you. My head is sticking from the ass . Doesn't matter whose, but it stinks around, and it stinks in my head. I don't work, I don't study pretty good. I wanted to get into law school, and now I realized that I can't because the test result is so bad. I hate myself, because I think that I am not so strong and smart like I thought I was. I am exhausted and my mind is crazy. I am tired. I am tired of thoughts that I am not able to reach something at least till my 30. Look at other girl, they studied, they worked, they were independable in a while.

Now look at me. What do you think? A looser? Yes, that is what I am talking about.

Wait a minute. I am not dying right now. I can do something.

Hey, you see. Again I want to show that I am much better than someone else.

Life, life. I expected so diffferent life from what I have now. I thought I will get into law school in a first year, I thought I will study and be the best student. I thought I will be independable enough to buy a car at least in a couple of years. Now I don't se that it can happen to me. SO many things happened without any plan and prediction. Now those things kill my mind. I wish it killed me with a gun or a knife. Nope, it kills me with worse thing and this thing is the depression. May I send to the hell that depression? Ah. Help me SOS

G.

Crazy days

I think I am crazy lately. My competitive spirit drives me nuts, turning me into girl without any self-confidence. I am tired of myself and my own thoughts about failing and that I won't be good enough. I am just lazy. I know this perfectly. You don't have to tell me that. I spend days in lesure, trying to make of myself the girl who is very smart from her birth, but it is not so. It is not truth that you can be just smart, you have to, you must work to get something, to earn something. And I don't do that. I work hard for 3 days and then I just don't care of it. How am I going to get something if I just put my ass on a chair without any wish to do my homework. I hate myself. I hate my weakness, I hate my unconfidence, I hate my laziness.

I know it is wrong to hate, I try to be kind, but it doesn't help. I must take a stick and bit myself with it very hard, then maybe my mind will awake and will do something, will work.

You are stupid and lazy Genious.

G.

My writing, my pain, my nervousness

How it is wonderful to write for myself. I know that no one will read those lines ( I believe so), that is why I can write every rubbish I know, I can say, and I can write. Right now I am seating on my assignment that I have for myself. Yes, my own assignment. I gave a word to myself to write at least one essay per day, and now I regret about this promise, because it seems to me that I am unskillful stupid girl. Anyway, I have to do that, and I know that I like to write, but I hate to do that by assignment. oh, how to break myself, stricke my head with thoughts and make myself go ahead in writing.

I am crazy about law school. I study so hard becuase of it, and I am so scared to fail. I am so scared that my dreams and time I spent for all those preparations will be lost, because I will fail. I am crazy, I know. I know I have to, I must to believe myself that I can do it, that I can go through. I want to be smart girl, I want to show everyone that I also have some brain. I think, I am so childish, I am so far away from maturety. It is hoorible to know that. It is not because of my behaviour. It is because I try to understand many things, but I am not able to do. That is why I think that there are so many smart people on this planet, but I regret that I am not among them. What do you thing, my reader? Am I smart enough for my age? Maybe I need to study more and more? But it looks like everything I read doesn't stay in my head. I try, I try hard, but everything somewhere, not with me. I don't want this pressure, but I do it by myself, I create it. I suffer it. It is not big deal if I won't receive what I want, but I want what I want. I cannot go aside. All the time everything flew in very good stream. But I am so scared of future. I don't do anything, and I don't know what I should do. I bet on one thing, and I hope, believe in it. But what will happen if it fails? I don't know. That is why I think about stopping and not going further. Maybe just to step on solid ground, where I feel that I will stay on it. Another question is if it is possible to find such ground, ground that will be good enough in all my plans.

You will ask me what plans I have. I want to be independent. I want to be rich. I want to afford a car, a house and good travels. I want to be famous. I want to be good in my job. I want to love my job. I want to have big money. I want to spend those money thinking that it was gained by my own. That's what I want. Is it too pragmatic? Am I too crazy about money? Nope. Not for me.

Now I am total contrary to my dream. I don't want this. My dream I called "solid ground". A life of my dream is that foundation that will make me happier than I am right now. I stuck in the time line. I kick my legs, arms and brain (the last is more harmful). I try to get out of circle, but the horrible thing is that I have no idea when I see a light, if I ever see it.

Wasn't it pessimistic message? I know, I wanted to write it long time ago. Now I did after several attempts to write something smart for my stupid GRE question.

The problem of my mind is that it asks all the time if it is good enough to be good in life, to be strong and smart. It doesn't have an answer. Not from people, not from itself.

Blah... blah.. blah.. Help me, someone, to see my good way. Help me, someone to understand my self, to improve myself, to be strong, persistent and forseeable.

It is a pity that I am not a witch, I can't look into my future and get a hint what to do in presence. Anyway, I live, I must do soemthing to get that future. What I am going to now.

See you with my next stupid thoughts

G

My review of short scene from Awakening by Kate Chopin

I know that I wrote rubbishly in many places, but don't criticicize me please, because it is the first time when I write what I think about a novel.
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The dinner was not so big; there were a few of guests who “were selected with discrimination.” They were different from each other, and as it seems to me every represented diversity of society and age. Mr. Ratignolle represented the Creole. Mr. and Mrs. Merriman look like people who try to be in the high society. For example, Mr. Merriman was famous for his laugh on other’s jokes. Isn’t it good way to be attached to people who won’t like to know you as an equal?
Mrs. Highcamp, a lady who likes young souls and bodies, who likes to be among youth, male youth, using her daughter. She wants to be younger, I think. Maybe she wants to gain that she didn’t have in her youth, enjoyment of merry time among people of opposite sex. She plays with young Victor, she wants his attention. She saw he didn’t pay a lot of attention to her, but she stays “with easy indifference for an opportunity to reclaim his attention, while he was chatting to prettier Mrs. Merriman. Probably “easy indifference” shows that Mrs. Highcamp was often out of attention. I would say she is some kind of a fly who sticks to man’s body.
Miss Mayblunt, about whom people talk as a “intellectual” woman, seems to use her lorgnettes to make such a view. But who knows. It is interesting to notice that fact, that such intellectual and skillful women as Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz are not married. At least Miss Mayblunt has some companion who was with her on the dinner, Mr. Gouvernail. By the way, the description of him as a “observant” is well done. His comment on the scene with Victor and Mrs. Highcamp was detailed and brief enough to notice what was going on that moment. Words “desire”, “red blood” and “gold.”
The decoration of room reminds a wedding, or heaven, something from angels. Edna was without husband, she felt herself as a queen, “the regal woman, the one who rules, who looks on, who stands alone.” That moment she was not, at least she didn’t feel herself like that, a decorative addition to her husband who was the host all the time, probably. I said wedding, because of colors of decoration: gold, pale yellow, red and yellow roses. Moreover, “there came over her the acute longing which always summoned into her spiritual vision the presence of the beloved one.” She doesn’t want to be alone, she wants to be with beloved one, but she overpowered with a sense of the “unattainable.” I don’t know, but I think she wanted physical enjoyment, she possessed the desire, but she wanted to be alone, not to be married, not to belong to someone except herself. Maybe it is the explanation why Edna invited Miss Mayblunt and Mademoiselle Reisz. She wanted to be like them, to be the artist and independent woman.

Useful and useless

You can sit near a lamp that gives you a light, and it seems to be that it is very good for you and helpful. But it doesn't give the warmth, it doesn't touch you, it doesn't talk to you. I put the light on you, you can see ahead, at least a couple steps. But it won't warm you from the cold wind of coming feelings.

Oh my Gosh, I wrote this being in very bad mood, I was mad and frustraited. That stupid movie made me think a lot. Now it is next day, and I am better. Wish you the same ;-)

G

My new reading

Lately I try to read more. For myself, for my future, for my classes. Just a couple minutes ago I finished an article in TIME. It told about hapiness, why we are happy, for what. Amazingly, but we are born with genes that construct us as optimists or pessimists. Moreover, hard times make us stronger not weaker. Person who had stresses being a child will be better in stress situations when he/she is an adult. Now I see why I was so troubled after leaving mother's home. I was not prepared for life. But I think my genes help me to be more positive in hardships, at least this help grows with every day.

ANother reason why I write about this article is the statement that diaries have positive influence on condition of the writer. Writing about things we have gratitude makes us better. And this fact was told in another article as well. I recalled another article, I cut from Ukrainian newspaper, about how good to have the diary. Wow... How could I forget about it? Maybe it is becuase I left my diary with mom. But anyway, I have now more improved diary that I can edit, cut and change, so I have to keep advices of those articles in my mind,, and do what they tell is good to do. :-)

Well, I better go to read more

Best regards,

G